So I just found this in my email inbox:
And the first thing that came to my mind was fuck. Sorry for the language. I know I should be happy. I know people who would die for this opportunity. But there was no surge of excitement or joy when I saw this, only an acute feeling of dread. Admittedly I was expecting it, but deep down I was hoping that I would never receive this email.
I have never really been sure of what I want to do in the future, but I know what I want right now. And that is to stay in Singapore and do psychology. I always thought that coming to FASS was just me going with the flow and I never imagined that I would come to have a passion for what I study. It's been a few months into school and I have discovered that I really enjoy it. I like what I'm studying and I find it interesting. I also really love the flexibility that FASS gives in allowing us to take modules outside our major and even outside the faculty. And unlike my JC days I'm not struggling. My midterm scores were above average and I'm not mugging like I did in JC. My biggest fear is being trapped taking subjects that I suck at just for practical reasons.
I know physio is the practical choice. It will ensure that I can easily find a job in the future. It will give me flexibility (I can open a private practice and work whenever I feel like it). The pay is good. I will probably enjoy my job to an extent. That is what my mother has been telling me for the past year anyway. Over her dead body will she let me turn this offer down, and that's why I feel torn. I have no more energy to fight with her anymore. If there was no pressure from her it would be a load off my mind. I wish I could somehow convince her that having a regular or even low-paying job is not the end of the world, especially if I enjoy it.
And I don't think I am the kind of person who would enjoy being thrown in a foreign and unfamiliar country with no friends. My whole life is in Singapore. The places I love, the people I love. I just can't imagine leaving it behind. I'm tearing even as I type this, how will I cope when I'm alone in Australia feeling homesick and helpless?
Another thing is the cost. My parents will not be able to afford to send my siblings overseas to study if they send me, and that bothers me a lot. I feel guilty of robbing them of the opportunity. Maybe the money would be better used on them. When their time comes, they may really want to go overseas (unlike me now) but mum and dad won't be able to afford it, and it would be all because of me.
Why is following your heart so hard? I'm just filled with dread and fear right now. What a great birthday present sigh.
xx.